Tonight I had a similar conversations with two separate women who are close to me. The first told me she worries about me sometimes because they think I come down too hard on myself for a lot. She told me that I beat myself up for my faults but don't praise myself for my accomplishments. She told me how amazing they believe I am, and that I don't realize how many people love me. She is right. Iv'e always felt like I am the only one who will ever be there for me. I never wanted to be the one who didn't accept their faults but praised themselves for "accomplishments" or "attributes" I guess this is why I can be hard on myself, it may also be my upbringing.. There was always a big deal about things, which now as an adult, I know were minute.. But its too late. I grew up feeling like a bad child, because I had a slick comment here or there, or I didn't want to do my chores. Now as an adult I realize I was a pretty ideal child but yet was made to feel as if I didn't even deserve to be adopted. I appreciate my family & owe them everything, because without them I wouldn't be where I am, I love them & know they love me, but there are feelings and emotions that have followed me through my journey of life thus far, that affect the person I am today. One of those feelings is loneliness, even in a room full of people, or with a full call log, or inbox.. Its a feeling that always seems to be right beside me or trailing not to far behind. I hate this feeling, it has the power to tackle my happiness. I also hate it bc I DO appreciate those in my life especially those close me, and I would never want them to think otherwise. She reminded me how much these people love me & would drop anything for me. I LOVE these people and although the feeling of loneliness trails behind, they often take its place beside me.
The second friend, having no knowledge of the above/previous conversation, not even knowing the other person, text me later to remind me that despite any of my circumstances, I am me because of it & those around me love who I am. She also wrote that "even as an adoptee you have been chosen which makes you that more special and wonderful. God adopts us all in a more powerful way so we all at the end of the day have an amazing Father we can rely on". She ended with "You are more special than you know & I just wanted to let you know that" … I really needed this.. both conversations. I love that although I struggle with these things and feelings, I have amazing people in my life who remind me how loved I am.
I have to be honest, there have been times in life when I have admired other people just because of how many people loved and cared for them, I always wanted that, and I realize Ive had it… since I started college at least. Those people know who they are and I want you to know I LOVE & APPRECIATE you in my life more than you will ever know. Everyone needs a little reminder every now and then, mine was definitely an in depth one, more complex than I can describe here, but much needed. Remind someone that they are special & loved <3.
Thank you to those people in my life who are what I described here <3
