Reminders

Tonight I had a similar conversations with two separate women who are close to me. The first told me she worries about me sometimes because they think I come down too hard on myself for a lot. She told me that I beat myself up for my faults but don't praise myself for my accomplishments. She told me how amazing they believe I am, and that I don't realize how many people love me. She is right.  Iv'e always felt like I am the only one who will ever be there for me.  I never wanted to be the one who didn't accept their faults but praised themselves for "accomplishments" or "attributes" I guess this is why I can be hard on myself, it may also be my upbringing.. There was always a big deal about things, which now as an adult, I know were minute.. But its too late. I grew up feeling like a bad child, because I had a slick comment here or there, or I didn't want to do my chores. Now as an adult I realize I was a pretty ideal child but yet was made to feel as if I didn't even deserve to be adopted. I appreciate my family & owe them everything, because without them I wouldn't be where I am, I love them & know they love me, but there are feelings and emotions that have followed me through my journey of life thus far,  that affect the person I am today. One of those feelings is loneliness, even in a room full of people, or with a full call log, or inbox.. Its a feeling that always seems to be right beside me or trailing not to far behind. I hate this feeling, it has the power to tackle my happiness. I also hate it bc I DO appreciate those in my life especially those close me, and I would never want them to think otherwise. She reminded me how much these people love me & would drop anything for me. I LOVE these people and although the feeling of loneliness trails behind, they often take its place beside me.

The second friend, having no knowledge of the above/previous conversation, not even knowing the other person, text me later to remind me that despite any of my circumstances, I am me because of it & those around me love who I am. She also wrote that "even as an adoptee you have been chosen which makes you that more special and wonderful. God adopts us all in a more powerful way so we all at the end of the day have an amazing Father we can rely on". She ended with "You are more special than you know & I just wanted to let you know that" … I really needed this.. both conversations. I love that although I struggle with these things and feelings, I have amazing people in my life who remind me how loved I am.

I have to be honest, there have been times in life when I have admired other people just because of how many people loved and cared for them, I always wanted that, and I realize Ive had it… since I started college at least. Those people know who they are and I want you to know I LOVE & APPRECIATE you in my life more than you will ever know. Everyone needs a little reminder every now and then, mine was definitely an in depth one, more complex than I can describe here, but much needed. Remind someone that they are special &  loved <3.

Thank you to those people in my life who are what I described here <3

Kony2012

After watching a response video to the Kony2012 campaign, I have the following response to the videos and negative feedback to the campaign. 

The fact is, he may be dead he may not be, but he is #1 on the International Criminal Court's list of most wanted war criminals. Yes you should do your research on everything you support, BUT there will ALWAYS be another issue. There will ALWAYS be other causes that need to be supported. So where do you start if there is always another cause? Is that the excuse? There are bigger things going on? How will you be involved if that the excuse and there is always another cause? Change starts with action. Yes there are other issues, who says that multiple issues cannot be supported? This is a campaign for THIS issue. If you care, DO SOMETHING. If you feel there are better issues that are more worth your time, SUPPORT THEM, but do SOMETHING. If you are not doing ANYTHING or supporting ANY causes, do not criticize someone or anyone for taking a stance on an issue and DOING something about it. The video says they realized that littles (every individual) became a big (force). Be a little to a big solution, whatever it is that you feel deserves your support!


Even if you do not support this cause, support something, become educated. There are MANY causes that need your attention. Find one that touches your heart and or you can relate to. 


THIS is the Kony2012 video. It is 30 minutes but it is worth it to watch. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc

One day..

One day …

I will feel complete
I will find what I am missing … all of it
I will get answers to my questions surrounding my adoption.. whether it is acceptance or denial.
I will have a good relationship with my family
I will achieve my dreams
I wil feel appreciated
I will realize I deserve better .. in every aspect of my life
I will start to realize that I don't deserve to be in last place all the time
I will be able to eliminate the people in my life who don't appreciate me for who I am or who I want to be
I will be able to see myself for my accomplishments and not my failures.
I will allow myself to reach my full potential
I will stop allowing others to make me feel less
I will be stop falling for those who wont fall back
One day I will be ……. Happy.

One day each bullet will be checked off, but for now, I can work towards achieving them and…. I will achieve them. Who will be there along the way and at the finish line? I dont know, but it will be the ones who cared to begin with.

Needed to get off my chest. Goodnight!

Next steps.

Today I left work early because I wasnt feeling well, ran some errands came home & took a great nap! This explains why im not sleeping right now lol. While Ive been paying bills etc, I happened to look on my desktop and saw the video that my friends made me, for my graduation. Its been a couple months, and I still cant keep back the tears when watching it. I love everyone that contributed to it. Watching the video makes me proud to be me & PROUD to call all of you my friends. I would not be the person I am today if it wasn't for you. I would never have embarked on my journey out of Palm Beach, if it wasn't for the support of my friends. If you've read this blog or know me personally you can tell I am not that close to my family, which is why my friendships are so important to me. I want you to know that I sincerely appreciate you and your friendship, love & support. I am proud to be the person I have grown to be and I plan to continue to grow.

The next step in my journey is writing the letter to my social worker to have her "TRY" to contact my biological father. No... I still have not done this. I think im afraid that it wont happen, and this will be the end. After the social work sent 3 separate letters to my birth mother and she never responded, I still had hope because I had the thought that although she apparently wanted nothing to do with me, maybe my father would. I always wondered if he wanted a daughter would be his "daddy's girl". But if I send that letter, and he doesnt respond either, or rejects me..... I dont know what I'll do. This is such a large part of me, without the hope...... I wont be the same. I feel that if this happens, I would change as a person. BUT we will see. I hate that im wasting time, because you never know what could happen. Well, its getting late, work in the morning, thank you for reading!

Scared|Alone

I went to the eye doctor last weekend for an annual exam & bc I needed new glasses. I was excited about being able to get new glasses. So I go in and the doctor does part of the exam, then dilates my eyes. After my eyes are dilated, she looks at them a little more. Everything about it seemed like a normal exam until she got to one part, and she was looking at my left eye for a long time, to the point where I was about to ask "is everything ok". Before I could ask, she backs up and tells me what she was looking at... she said I have a mole on my left eye, it cant be seen when looking in the mirror. She then asks.... "do you have a history of Melanoma in your family?" ..I was terrified that she used the word Melanoma, and on top of that all I could answer was "I don't know...." I don't know because Im adopted and I don't have the right to that information. She then told me she wanted me to see a specialist. So until I go this Friday, two weeks later, I wont even have an idea of what my chances are.. I will continue to wonder, what if someone in my family did have it? or what if multiple people do... or what if its so prevalent in "our" family I should have been checked for it a long time ago... As its looking right now I will never know, because my birth mother wont answer the letters that the adoption agency sends her, to get permission to give me information. I tried to put it all out of my head for the week and it managed to work... until tonight. It hit me, "Ashley, theres a possibility you could have cancer.. in your eye, which means you could eventually loose your sight" . And on top of all that.. i'm dealing with this scare all alone. I told my mom I needed to see a specialist but didn't tell her details, don't want to scare her like that. #LifeOfAnAdoptee

Growth

The past couple months have been... Idk even know how to explain it.. 

- Had a "original birth certificate false alarm" 

I was contacted by a friend, who told me she had info and that she found my birth certificate. As soon as I read her text saying " Im 100% sure that I found your parents and have info to share" I was historically in tears. Barely able to write back I asked how? What do you know? She told me she had found my birth certificate and that she could loose her job for it. I immediately called my fellow adoptee Jereme. He answered the phone and had to say "hello" a few times because I couldn't even catch my breath to tell him. When I finally caught my breath I was able to tell him what had just happened. After we got off the phone my friend and I realized that the birth certificate found was my adoptive one and not my original and that the information found was that of my adopted life. If anyone else would have told me this story, and I tried to put my self in their shoes, I would have thought I would have been angry. BUT instead I was only thankful. Thankful to be SO blessed to know someone who would risk their job for me, someone who I've met only one time in person, who cared enough about me and my story to want to do something to help. I wasn't angry, I was happy, happy to be so blessed. 

- Robbed

Went to Atlanta for a conference, was at a restaurant eating, while we were inside someone broke into my friends broke into my friends car and stole my suitcase which had my clothes (a good amount) toiletries, accessories, laptop, & laptop accessories , as well as a separate camera case- thankfully I had JUST taken my camera out before we went in and put it in my purse to take in with me.. but I still had a lens & flash in the bag. I had the zoom lens on the camera, and the charger was in the bag, so I haven't really been able to use it. Insurance is going to help but we have a $1000 deductible.

&& that was only February

Although it was a crazy month and its already April.. wow... I realized how much my relationship with God & prayer have helped me. When we got to the car & realized my stuff was gone, I didnt panic, I was actually making jokes, while my friend panicked. I realized there was nothing I could do at that point and being mad, and hating someone wasn't going to help me or anyone else. I feel this is a sign of growth and another level of maturity.  

-- Ashley 

True Life: Im Searching For My BirthParents

Well its been a little while again, but this is a "note" I wrote on FB. Its ALL the information that I know about my roots. I encourage you to read this and think, if it even sounds remotely like anyone you know, please show this post to them, give them the info, ask them about it or tell me. Any help I can get at this point will help. I figure that Palm Beach is small in relation to everyone knowing everyone. I was born in Palm Beach Gardens, FL on April 3, 1988. I know its a long shot, but if you know anyone that lived in that area around that time or before, please please share this with them. Like I said, any and all help is appreciated. To everyone who reads this, shares, it or simply is just curious... THANK YOU! from the bottom of my heart!

-- Ashley

As many of you know.. I am adopted & have been searching for my birth parents. I was adopted through Catholic Charities when I was a month old to my current adoptive parents, in 1988. To summarize ( more details in past posts) They located my birth mother when I started the search, and sent her a letter to ask for her permission to give me info about her, and give her my location. Over a year and several letters later... she has yet to respond. Ive been wanting for the social worker to contact my father, and shes always hesitated. They say they dont usually contact the father, bc they are not sure if he is the correct father or if he knows. I convinced her to start the search for him.. so thats where I am now. Im not gonna get my hopes but, but I guess I am somewhat hopeful he will respond, it might be easier for him to accept the idea, and want to meet me. Ive been let down before so I try not to get excited.

Today has been an emotional day, and has showed me not only how blessed I am, but also motivated me to push harder on this journey. Ive been wanting to take this step for a while, but like Ive said before, it is emotionally draining, and I sometimes tend to avoid it . But today is the day.

PLEASE Help me by re-posting the following info, ESPECIALLY if you are from, live in, or have ANY connections to  PALM BEACH COUNTY. I was born at Palm Beach Gardens Hospital and there is a strong possibility that my parents are still in the area, or at least from there and have family there. I am going to post the non identifying information that I have about my father and his family. If this sounds even remotely like ANYONE that you know, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pass this along to them, or their name along to me. Please, as of now going through the social worker is not working .. so I am taking things into my own hands.

As you read this, please try to think if you know anyone that fits any parts of this description, him, his mother, father, or siblings. This is SO important to me and I am so thankful of your help !! Please feel free to re-post anywhere you think may help.

My Birth Information:

Born April 3, 1988 at 11:27pm

6lbs. 10 ozs

19 inches

Natural Father:

Height: 5’11

Weight: 197

Eyes: Brown

Hair: Black

Complex: Lt. Brown

Age at time of my adoption ( April 3, 1988) 23

Religion: Baptist

Ethnic Background: Black

Education:  High School

Vocational Training: Military Police

Hobbies: Music, sports

Health: Good

Paternal Grandmother ( His mother)

Height: 5’5

Weight: 125

Eyes: Brown

Hair: Black

Complex: Light

Age at time of my adoption ( April 3, 1988): 60

Nationality: Black

Education:  12th grade

Health: Good

Paternal Grandfather ( His father)

Height: 6’3

Weight: 249

Eyes: Brown

Hair: Black

Complex: Dark

Age at time of my adoption ( April 3, 1988) 67

Nationality: Black

Education:  High School

Health: Good

Siblings ( My father’s)

Sister : 42 years old ( at time of my birth)

Height: 5’3

Weight: 160

Eyes:  Brown

Hair: Black

Complex: Tone

Age at time of my adoption ( April 3, 1988) 42

Education:  12 grade

Health: Fair

*Epilepsy since an accident

Brother:  38 years old at time of my birth

Height: 5’10

Weight: 140

Eyes: Brown

Hair: Black

Complex: Dark

Education: 2 years college

Health: Good

Brother: 36 at time of my birth

Height: 5’5

Weight: 130

Eyes: Brown

Hair: Black

Complex: Dark

Education: 12th grade

Health: Good

Sister:  23 years old at the time of my birth

Height: 5’4

Weight: 115

Eyes: Brown

Hair: Black

Complex: Light

Education: 4 years college

Employment: Computer Programmer

Health: Good

I wasnt going to post my mothers info.. but it cant hurt

Natural Mother

Height: 5’6

Weight:125

Eyes: Hazel

Hair: Brown

Complex: Fair

Religion: Catholic

Education: High School and Vocational training

Ethnic Background: Irish-Dutch-Scotch

Hobbies: Outdoor sports

Heath: excellent

Maternal Grandmother ( Her mother)

Height: 5’8

Weight:139

Eyes: Hazel

Hair: Brown

Complex: Medium

Nationality: American

Education: 4years

Employment: Teacher ( possibly palm beach county ??)

Health: Good

Age at time of my birth ( April 3, 1988) : 46

Maternal Grandfather ( her father)

Height: 5’8

Weight: 205

Eyes: Hazel

Hair: Brown

Complex: Fair

Nationality: American

Education: College – Masters Degree

Employment: Executive

Health: good

Age at time of my adoption: 45

Maternal Great Grandmother ( her grand mother- mother’s mother)

Height: 5’5

Weight: 155

Eyes: Hazel

Hair: Gray

Complex: Medium

 Nationality: American

Education: 4 years college

Health: good

Age at time of my adoption: 70  

Great Grandfather: deceased

Great Grandmother ( Her grandmother – father’s mother)

Height: 5’4

Weight: 108

Eyes: Hazel

Hair: Brown

Complex: fair

Nationality: American

Education: 1 year college

Health: Good

Age at time of my adoption: 65

Great Grandfather ( her grandmother- father’s father) Deceased

Mother's Siblings:

Brother:

Height: 5'10 

Weight:

Eyes: Hazel

Hair: Auburn ---> Where I get my red hair!

Complex: medium

Education: college

Health: good

Age at time of my adoption: 19

Sister:

Height: 4'11   

Weight: 130

Eyes: Hazel

Hair: Brown

Complex: Fair

Education: Jr. High

Health: Good

Age at time of my adoption: 12

From the information I have, I suspect that my mother's family may be wealthy or at least not struggling.. They had masters degrees and everyone in her family had a college education, which wasnt as common as it is today.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, pass this along, post on your friends' pages, websites, send links, etc. Everyone one in Palm Beach knows each other, by passing this along you are helping my chances in finding my birth parents, increase.

Thank you !!!!!!!!