Tonight I had a similar conversations with two separate women who are close to me. The first told me she worries about me sometimes because they think I come down too hard on myself for a lot. She told me that I beat myself up for my faults but don't praise myself for my accomplishments. She told me how amazing they believe I am, and that I don't realize how many people love me. She is right. Iv'e always felt like I am the only one who will ever be there for me. I never wanted to be the one who didn't accept their faults but praised themselves for "accomplishments" or "attributes" I guess this is why I can be hard on myself, it may also be my upbringing.. There was always a big deal about things, which now as an adult, I know were minute.. But its too late. I grew up feeling like a bad child, because I had a slick comment here or there, or I didn't want to do my chores. Now as an adult I realize I was a pretty ideal child but yet was made to feel as if I didn't even deserve to be adopted. I appreciate my family & owe them everything, because without them I wouldn't be where I am, I love them & know they love me, but there are feelings and emotions that have followed me through my journey of life thus far, that affect the person I am today. One of those feelings is loneliness, even in a room full of people, or with a full call log, or inbox.. Its a feeling that always seems to be right beside me or trailing not to far behind. I hate this feeling, it has the power to tackle my happiness. I also hate it bc I DO appreciate those in my life especially those close me, and I would never want them to think otherwise. She reminded me how much these people love me & would drop anything for me. I LOVE these people and although the feeling of loneliness trails behind, they often take its place beside me.
The second friend, having no knowledge of the above/previous conversation, not even knowing the other person, text me later to remind me that despite any of my circumstances, I am me because of it & those around me love who I am. She also wrote that "even as an adoptee you have been chosen which makes you that more special and wonderful. God adopts us all in a more powerful way so we all at the end of the day have an amazing Father we can rely on". She ended with "You are more special than you know & I just wanted to let you know that" … I really needed this.. both conversations. I love that although I struggle with these things and feelings, I have amazing people in my life who remind me how loved I am.
I have to be honest, there have been times in life when I have admired other people just because of how many people loved and cared for them, I always wanted that, and I realize Ive had it… since I started college at least. Those people know who they are and I want you to know I LOVE & APPRECIATE you in my life more than you will ever know. Everyone needs a little reminder every now and then, mine was definitely an in depth one, more complex than I can describe here, but much needed. Remind someone that they are special & loved <3.
Thank you to those people in my life who are what I described here <3
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Kony2012
After watching a response video to the Kony2012 campaign, I have the following response to the videos and negative feedback to the campaign.
The fact is, he may be dead he may not be, but he is #1 on the International Criminal Court's list of most wanted war criminals. Yes you should do your research on everything you support, BUT there will ALWAYS be another issue. There will ALWAYS be other causes that need to be supported. So where do you start if there is always another cause? Is that the excuse? There are bigger things going on? How will you be involved if that the excuse and there is always another cause? Change starts with action. Yes there are other issues, who says that multiple issues cannot be supported? This is a campaign for THIS issue. If you care, DO SOMETHING. If you feel there are better issues that are more worth your time, SUPPORT THEM, but do SOMETHING. If you are not doing ANYTHING or supporting ANY causes, do not criticize someone or anyone for taking a stance on an issue and DOING something about it. The video says they realized that littles (every individual) became a big (force). Be a little to a big solution, whatever it is that you feel deserves your support!
Even if you do not support this cause, support something, become educated. There are MANY causes that need your attention. Find one that touches your heart and or you can relate to.
THIS is the Kony2012 video. It is 30 minutes but it is worth it to watch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc
The fact is, he may be dead he may not be, but he is #1 on the International Criminal Court's list of most wanted war criminals. Yes you should do your research on everything you support, BUT there will ALWAYS be another issue. There will ALWAYS be other causes that need to be supported. So where do you start if there is always another cause? Is that the excuse? There are bigger things going on? How will you be involved if that the excuse and there is always another cause? Change starts with action. Yes there are other issues, who says that multiple issues cannot be supported? This is a campaign for THIS issue. If you care, DO SOMETHING. If you feel there are better issues that are more worth your time, SUPPORT THEM, but do SOMETHING. If you are not doing ANYTHING or supporting ANY causes, do not criticize someone or anyone for taking a stance on an issue and DOING something about it. The video says they realized that littles (every individual) became a big (force). Be a little to a big solution, whatever it is that you feel deserves your support!
Even if you do not support this cause, support something, become educated. There are MANY causes that need your attention. Find one that touches your heart and or you can relate to.
THIS is the Kony2012 video. It is 30 minutes but it is worth it to watch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc
One day..
One day …
I will feel complete
I will find what I am missing … all of it
I will get answers to my questions surrounding my adoption.. whether it is acceptance or denial.
I will have a good relationship with my family
I will achieve my dreams
I wil feel appreciated
I will realize I deserve better .. in every aspect of my life
I will start to realize that I don't deserve to be in last place all the time
I will be able to eliminate the people in my life who don't appreciate me for who I am or who I want to be
I will be able to see myself for my accomplishments and not my failures.
I will allow myself to reach my full potential
I will stop allowing others to make me feel less
I will be stop falling for those who wont fall back
One day I will be ……. Happy.
One day each bullet will be checked off, but for now, I can work towards achieving them and…. I will achieve them. Who will be there along the way and at the finish line? I dont know, but it will be the ones who cared to begin with.
Needed to get off my chest. Goodnight!
I will feel complete
I will find what I am missing … all of it
I will get answers to my questions surrounding my adoption.. whether it is acceptance or denial.
I will have a good relationship with my family
I will achieve my dreams
I wil feel appreciated
I will realize I deserve better .. in every aspect of my life
I will start to realize that I don't deserve to be in last place all the time
I will be able to eliminate the people in my life who don't appreciate me for who I am or who I want to be
I will be able to see myself for my accomplishments and not my failures.
I will allow myself to reach my full potential
I will stop allowing others to make me feel less
I will be stop falling for those who wont fall back
One day I will be ……. Happy.
One day each bullet will be checked off, but for now, I can work towards achieving them and…. I will achieve them. Who will be there along the way and at the finish line? I dont know, but it will be the ones who cared to begin with.
Needed to get off my chest. Goodnight!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Next steps.
Today I left work early because I wasnt feeling well, ran some errands came home & took a great nap! This explains why im not sleeping right now lol. While Ive been paying bills etc, I happened to look on my desktop and saw the video that my friends made me, for my graduation. Its been a couple months, and I still cant keep back the tears when watching it. I love everyone that contributed to it. Watching the video makes me proud to be me & PROUD to call all of you my friends. I would not be the person I am today if it wasn't for you. I would never have embarked on my journey out of Palm Beach, if it wasn't for the support of my friends. If you've read this blog or know me personally you can tell I am not that close to my family, which is why my friendships are so important to me. I want you to know that I sincerely appreciate you and your friendship, love & support. I am proud to be the person I have grown to be and I plan to continue to grow.
The next step in my journey is writing the letter to my social worker to have her "TRY" to contact my biological father. No... I still have not done this. I think im afraid that it wont happen, and this will be the end. After the social work sent 3 separate letters to my birth mother and she never responded, I still had hope because I had the thought that although she apparently wanted nothing to do with me, maybe my father would. I always wondered if he wanted a daughter would be his "daddy's girl". But if I send that letter, and he doesnt respond either, or rejects me..... I dont know what I'll do. This is such a large part of me, without the hope...... I wont be the same. I feel that if this happens, I would change as a person. BUT we will see. I hate that im wasting time, because you never know what could happen. Well, its getting late, work in the morning, thank you for reading!
The next step in my journey is writing the letter to my social worker to have her "TRY" to contact my biological father. No... I still have not done this. I think im afraid that it wont happen, and this will be the end. After the social work sent 3 separate letters to my birth mother and she never responded, I still had hope because I had the thought that although she apparently wanted nothing to do with me, maybe my father would. I always wondered if he wanted a daughter would be his "daddy's girl". But if I send that letter, and he doesnt respond either, or rejects me..... I dont know what I'll do. This is such a large part of me, without the hope...... I wont be the same. I feel that if this happens, I would change as a person. BUT we will see. I hate that im wasting time, because you never know what could happen. Well, its getting late, work in the morning, thank you for reading!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Scared|Alone
I went to the eye doctor last weekend for an annual exam & bc I needed new glasses. I was excited about being able to get new glasses. So I go in and the doctor does part of the exam, then dilates my eyes. After my eyes are dilated, she looks at them a little more. Everything about it seemed like a normal exam until she got to one part, and she was looking at my left eye for a long time, to the point where I was about to ask "is everything ok". Before I could ask, she backs up and tells me what she was looking at... she said I have a mole on my left eye, it cant be seen when looking in the mirror. She then asks.... "do you have a history of Melanoma in your family?" ..I was terrified that she used the word Melanoma, and on top of that all I could answer was "I don't know...." I don't know because Im adopted and I don't have the right to that information. She then told me she wanted me to see a specialist. So until I go this Friday, two weeks later, I wont even have an idea of what my chances are.. I will continue to wonder, what if someone in my family did have it? or what if multiple people do... or what if its so prevalent in "our" family I should have been checked for it a long time ago... As its looking right now I will never know, because my birth mother wont answer the letters that the adoption agency sends her, to get permission to give me information. I tried to put it all out of my head for the week and it managed to work... until tonight. It hit me, "Ashley, theres a possibility you could have cancer.. in your eye, which means you could eventually loose your sight" . And on top of all that.. i'm dealing with this scare all alone. I told my mom I needed to see a specialist but didn't tell her details, don't want to scare her like that. #LifeOfAnAdoptee
Friday, April 8, 2011
Growth
The past couple months have been... Idk even know how to explain it..
- Had a "original birth certificate false alarm"
I was contacted by a friend, who told me she had info and that she found my birth certificate. As soon as I read her text saying " Im 100% sure that I found your parents and have info to share" I was historically in tears. Barely able to write back I asked how? What do you know? She told me she had found my birth certificate and that she could loose her job for it. I immediately called my fellow adoptee Jereme. He answered the phone and had to say "hello" a few times because I couldn't even catch my breath to tell him. When I finally caught my breath I was able to tell him what had just happened. After we got off the phone my friend and I realized that the birth certificate found was my adoptive one and not my original and that the information found was that of my adopted life. If anyone else would have told me this story, and I tried to put my self in their shoes, I would have thought I would have been angry. BUT instead I was only thankful. Thankful to be SO blessed to know someone who would risk their job for me, someone who I've met only one time in person, who cared enough about me and my story to want to do something to help. I wasn't angry, I was happy, happy to be so blessed.
- Robbed
Went to Atlanta for a conference, was at a restaurant eating, while we were inside someone broke into my friends broke into my friends car and stole my suitcase which had my clothes (a good amount) toiletries, accessories, laptop, & laptop accessories , as well as a separate camera case- thankfully I had JUST taken my camera out before we went in and put it in my purse to take in with me.. but I still had a lens & flash in the bag. I had the zoom lens on the camera, and the charger was in the bag, so I haven't really been able to use it. Insurance is going to help but we have a $1000 deductible.
&& that was only February
Although it was a crazy month and its already April.. wow... I realized how much my relationship with God & prayer have helped me. When we got to the car & realized my stuff was gone, I didnt panic, I was actually making jokes, while my friend panicked. I realized there was nothing I could do at that point and being mad, and hating someone wasn't going to help me or anyone else. I feel this is a sign of growth and another level of maturity.
-- Ashley
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
True Life: Im Searching For My BirthParents
Well its been a little while again, but this is a "note" I wrote on FB. Its ALL the information that I know about my roots. I encourage you to read this and think, if it even sounds remotely like anyone you know, please show this post to them, give them the info, ask them about it or tell me. Any help I can get at this point will help. I figure that Palm Beach is small in relation to everyone knowing everyone. I was born in Palm Beach Gardens, FL on April 3, 1988. I know its a long shot, but if you know anyone that lived in that area around that time or before, please please share this with them. Like I said, any and all help is appreciated. To everyone who reads this, shares, it or simply is just curious... THANK YOU! from the bottom of my heart!
-- Ashley
-- Ashley
As many of you know.. I am adopted & have been searching for my birth parents. I was adopted through Catholic Charities when I was a month old to my current adoptive parents, in 1988. To summarize ( more details in past posts) They located my birth mother when I started the search, and sent her a letter to ask for her permission to give me info about her, and give her my location. Over a year and several letters later... she has yet to respond. Ive been wanting for the social worker to contact my father, and shes always hesitated. They say they dont usually contact the father, bc they are not sure if he is the correct father or if he knows. I convinced her to start the search for him.. so thats where I am now. Im not gonna get my hopes but, but I guess I am somewhat hopeful he will respond, it might be easier for him to accept the idea, and want to meet me. Ive been let down before so I try not to get excited.
Today has been an emotional day, and has showed me not only how blessed I am, but also motivated me to push harder on this journey. Ive been wanting to take this step for a while, but like Ive said before, it is emotionally draining, and I sometimes tend to avoid it . But today is the day.
PLEASE Help me by re-posting the following info, ESPECIALLY if you are from, live in, or have ANY connections to PALM BEACH COUNTY. I was born at Palm Beach Gardens Hospital and there is a strong possibility that my parents are still in the area, or at least from there and have family there. I am going to post the non identifying information that I have about my father and his family. If this sounds even remotely like ANYONE that you know, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pass this along to them, or their name along to me. Please, as of now going through the social worker is not working .. so I am taking things into my own hands.
As you read this, please try to think if you know anyone that fits any parts of this description, him, his mother, father, or siblings. This is SO important to me and I am so thankful of your help !! Please feel free to re-post anywhere you think may help.
My Birth Information:
Born April 3, 1988 at 11:27pm
6lbs. 10 ozs
19 inches
Natural Father:
Height: 5’11
Weight: 197
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Black
Complex: Lt. Brown
Age at time of my adoption ( April 3, 1988) 23
Religion: Baptist
Ethnic Background: Black
Education: High School
Vocational Training: Military Police
Hobbies: Music, sports
Health: Good
Paternal Grandmother ( His mother)
Height: 5’5
Weight: 125
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Black
Complex: Light
Age at time of my adoption ( April 3, 1988): 60
Nationality: Black
Education: 12th grade
Health: Good
Paternal Grandfather ( His father)
Height: 6’3
Weight: 249
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Black
Complex: Dark
Age at time of my adoption ( April 3, 1988) 67
Nationality: Black
Education: High School
Health: Good
Siblings ( My father’s)
Sister : 42 years old ( at time of my birth)
Height: 5’3
Weight: 160
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Black
Complex: Tone
Age at time of my adoption ( April 3, 1988) 42
Education: 12 grade
Health: Fair
*Epilepsy since an accident
Brother: 38 years old at time of my birth
Height: 5’10
Weight: 140
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Black
Complex: Dark
Education: 2 years college
Health: Good
Brother: 36 at time of my birth
Height: 5’5
Weight: 130
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Black
Complex: Dark
Education: 12th grade
Health: Good
Sister: 23 years old at the time of my birth
Height: 5’4
Weight: 115
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Black
Complex: Light
Education: 4 years college
Employment: Computer Programmer
Health: Good
I wasnt going to post my mothers info.. but it cant hurt
Natural Mother
Height: 5’6
Weight:125
Eyes: Hazel
Hair: Brown
Complex: Fair
Religion: Catholic
Education: High School and Vocational training
Ethnic Background: Irish-Dutch-Scotch
Hobbies: Outdoor sports
Heath: excellent
Maternal Grandmother ( Her mother)
Height: 5’8
Weight:139
Eyes: Hazel
Hair: Brown
Complex: Medium
Nationality: American
Education: 4years
Employment: Teacher ( possibly palm beach county ??)
Health: Good
Age at time of my birth ( April 3, 1988) : 46
Maternal Grandfather ( her father)
Height: 5’8
Weight: 205
Eyes: Hazel
Hair: Brown
Complex: Fair
Nationality: American
Education: College – Masters Degree
Employment: Executive
Health: good
Age at time of my adoption: 45
Maternal Great Grandmother ( her grand mother- mother’s mother)
Height: 5’5
Weight: 155
Eyes: Hazel
Hair: Gray
Complex: Medium
Nationality: American
Education: 4 years college
Health: good
Age at time of my adoption: 70
Great Grandfather: deceased
Great Grandmother ( Her grandmother – father’s mother)
Height: 5’4
Weight: 108
Eyes: Hazel
Hair: Brown
Complex: fair
Nationality: American
Education: 1 year college
Health: Good
Age at time of my adoption: 65
Great Grandfather ( her grandmother- father’s father) Deceased
Mother's Siblings:
Brother:
Height: 5'10
Weight:
Eyes: Hazel
Hair: Auburn ---> Where I get my red hair!
Complex: medium
Education: college
Health: good
Age at time of my adoption: 19
Sister:
Height: 4'11
Weight: 130
Eyes: Hazel
Hair: Brown
Complex: Fair
Education: Jr. High
Health: Good
Age at time of my adoption: 12
From the information I have, I suspect that my mother's family may be wealthy or at least not struggling.. They had masters degrees and everyone in her family had a college education, which wasnt as common as it is today.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, pass this along, post on your friends' pages, websites, send links, etc. Everyone one in Palm Beach knows each other, by passing this along you are helping my chances in finding my birth parents, increase.
Thank you !!!!!!!!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
11.3.10
I always procrastinate writing and digging within to share my feelings, because it takes so much out of me. Its coming though, and long overdue. Jae, I know I keep you waiting when it comes to writing and participating, im sorry for that. Ive learned through watching you how I need to deal with the feelings and let myself be as ambitious as you. The video is coming soon... I promise. Thank you to everyone who has ever lent a listening ear and or a shoulder to cry on.
Sometimes, like recently, I go on my fb page and look at my tagged pictures and my albums, I look at the different people who have tagged them, the names of the albums and the people in my life. It makes me smile, because sometimes I need that reminder of how blessed I am, at those times when I feel so alone. Sometimes I look because I want to see what my mother might see one day when she looks at me, and if she would be proud. I hope she would. Or maybe I look to see if I can find the answer as to why she still does not want anything to do with me, even though I know I wont find it there. Although im unsure if “that day” will ever come because she has yet to respond to any letters, but I will continue to pray, pray that she answers and/or that I can find her or another member of my biological family, pray that one day I am able to meet and embrace someone who shares the same blood running through their veins as me.
Thats all for tonight... Thank you for reading and for your support, it means so much to me !
Monday, October 18, 2010
10.18.10
"Search"updates coming soon! Im excited to be working with my friend Jae on an upcoming project! Stay tuned for details!
There have been alot of highs and lows this semester, thankfully more highs though! Heres a few quick updates:
I am now a God Mother to Miss Aniyah Malia Reliford and I love her with all of my heart. Congrats to my bestie Dominique!
I finally purchased my Dslr camera! Its a Nikon D5000 and I lovee it !
I am really going foward with AshBakes Cakes! I now have a facebook page, twitter and am working on a website, so contact AshBake's Cakes for your custom cake needs!
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?filter=lf#!/pages/Orlando-FL/AshBakes-Cakes/146291418746842?v=wall -- make sure to "like" the page!!
& Follow on twitter @AshBakes_Cakes
Pictures to follow ! Happy Monday :)
There have been alot of highs and lows this semester, thankfully more highs though! Heres a few quick updates:
I am now a God Mother to Miss Aniyah Malia Reliford and I love her with all of my heart. Congrats to my bestie Dominique!
I finally purchased my Dslr camera! Its a Nikon D5000 and I lovee it !
I am really going foward with AshBakes Cakes! I now have a facebook page, twitter and am working on a website, so contact AshBake's Cakes for your custom cake needs!
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?filter=lf#!/pages/Orlando-FL/AshBakes-Cakes/146291418746842?v=wall -- make sure to "like" the page!!
& Follow on twitter @AshBakes_Cakes
Pictures to follow ! Happy Monday :)
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Long Overdue
Good Morning Sunday :) I think I slept so much yesterday, I could barely sleep through the night, so here I am up bright and early. Ive been wanting to update for a while so here it goes..
This semester I also became a member of Nu Chi chapter of Alpha Kappa Psi, Professional Business Fraternity. This was one of the best decisions Ive ever made ! It was a long stressful semester , but I have gained and learned more than I ever imagined, and best of all I have a great new family :) I <3 style="text-align: left;">
Alot has happened in the past 6 months. I'll start with my internship. In January I started my internship at the BETA Center in Orlando. BETA is a nonprofit organization who has a specialized program for pregnant and parenting teens and their children. BETA houses an alternative school for the girls as well as a residence and child care center. At BETA I was an intern in the development department. I loved it ! I got to experience first hand what was involved in working in development. I learned a lot , made great relationships and didnt want to leave .
For spring break I went to New York with Dom, and Atlanta after. I also went to the shooting range for the first time for Carle's bday & loved it ! It relieves a lot of stress! I had a great bday myself :) Overall it was a great semester, stayed veryyyyy busy, but wouldn't trade it :)
I was also offered and ...accepted another internship this semester for the fall. The internship is working in a child development center on a U.S. military base in another county. They will be paying for my travel there and back, my housing, and I will also receive a living stipend for food etc. !
So... On August 22nd I will be leaving for ......Germany until Dec 18th! I dont know what region I will be in yet, but I believe they said it will be either the Frankfurt or Nuremburg regions. Im excited but nervous as well. Ill be living there for four months! We will have two consecutive days off each week, so I plan to travel while im there :) This summer im investing in a digital slr camera , so I can jump into my new love for photography and document my trip !
So I guess that leads me until now.. Summer!
Im at home - Palm Beach, working at summer camp, and trying to enjoy the next 2 months before I leave.
Another update I should make it about "My Journey".
A recap:
Last semester I finally paid the money and started the search for my birth parents. A week after I sent the paperwork and $ , I was informed that they had located my mother. They sent her a letter informing her of my desire to meet and know information about her. This happened around thanksgiving I believe. They sent 2 or 3 letters but there was no response.....
Recently my social worker and I decided to send a letter through certified mail , because she would have to sign for it. This would tell us if she is receiving the letters and not responding or not even getting them . I havnt heard back from her yet, hopefully I can call this week. It hurts to think that she may be ignoring the letters, the social worker reminded me that she may have a new family who doesnt know about me, and she doesnt want to disrupt her life. This was hard for me to hear, but its a reality. I think its very selfish, you gave birth to me and cant even have the decency to let me find out who I am and know you? The woman who carried me for 9 months and gave birth to me, you really never want anything to do with me again? I have put myself in her shoes and thought about it long and hard, I dont think that whats shes doing, if its what shes doing, is fair.
I really hope that I can make some progress before I leave for Germany.. That would be great. All I can do now is hope and pray. For all the other adoptees on this same journey, don't loose hope! We just have to keep pushing on , like one of my friends told me" even if the social worker cant help me, Ill find a way!"
Thanks for reading and diving into my thoughts :)
<3 Ash
Saturday, June 19, 2010
:)
Helllooo ! So its been about 6 months since I wrote here. I had a verryyy busy semester and then it was just too emotionally draining to sit down and write my "search" update(s). But its summer and I have some more free time ! Update to follow later on :)
Tootles for now
<3 Ash
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Holiday Emotions
So Im watching "Kendra: Here comes baby " ont E! Well shes pregnant, and its Christmas time and both her and Hank's familys are there waiting for Kendra to have the baby. The men went out and got the tree, and the women stayed home and made dinner. On the little Confessional part Kendras mom is talking about how everything is perfect bc its the holidays and the family is together. Then the Grandma suprises them and kendra is soo happy. Her Grandma says she couldnt miss the "most important time in her life"
Soo the point of thlis is is that I was watching it thinking that I want to be pregnant during christmas time- when that time comes- and be close and spend time with the family ( mine and his) -- my dream is to have a big close family, because im not close with mine now
Well while thinking about this I started to think about when my mother was pregnant with me and how she was pregnant at Christmas time because I was born in April . For the first time it made me think wow.. I was with her for 9 months! She carried me around, I went everywhere she went.. people asked about me,she gained weight, she had to wear maternity clothes, she waddled around with me , her ankles swole because of me, people congratulated her, we spent a Christmas together, She endured labor with me, just to give me away! I cant imagine doing this. Of course this is a "duhhh" lol but Ive never really thought about it like that. Thinking about it makes me feel a connection to her that Ive never felt before. She had to recover from labor.. without a baby , without anything to show for it. I love her and I dont think Ive ever let myself think this deep into it . Wow... Just wanted to share that..
If your adopted,
Have you ever had one of these moments ? and if so when did this hit you?
Goodnight!
Soo the point of thlis is is that I was watching it thinking that I want to be pregnant during christmas time- when that time comes- and be close and spend time with the family ( mine and his) -- my dream is to have a big close family, because im not close with mine now
Well while thinking about this I started to think about when my mother was pregnant with me and how she was pregnant at Christmas time because I was born in April . For the first time it made me think wow.. I was with her for 9 months! She carried me around, I went everywhere she went.. people asked about me,she gained weight, she had to wear maternity clothes, she waddled around with me , her ankles swole because of me, people congratulated her, we spent a Christmas together, She endured labor with me, just to give me away! I cant imagine doing this. Of course this is a "duhhh" lol but Ive never really thought about it like that. Thinking about it makes me feel a connection to her that Ive never felt before. She had to recover from labor.. without a baby , without anything to show for it. I love her and I dont think Ive ever let myself think this deep into it . Wow... Just wanted to share that..
If your adopted,
Have you ever had one of these moments ? and if so when did this hit you?
Goodnight!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
My Journey
As some of you may know, Im adopted. I was given up at birth and adopted by my family at one month old. I am currently in the process of trying to find my birth parents, and i have recently started the "official" search. I have documented through pictures, my journey thus far. This is a huge step for me. I started to look into searching my freshman year of college, and am just now getting to this point. before this last year or two, I had never really talked to another adoptee about our situations. My whole life I have had all of these questions and feelings and no answers. It can make you feel very lonely sometimes, and confused.
Sometimes you question who you really are and where you come from. There is a lot that you cannot understand unless you are in our shoes. Some people may not even understand that <--- statement, that is why I choose to talk more to my friends who are adoptees as well, about these issues.This is because to others, I feel they think its irrelevant or not important. I am so thankful for these people that God has brought into my life, you know who you are. Its great to be able to talk to you about this, and for you to understand!! I also want to thank the select friends who I am able to talk to this about and actually listen. You may not realize, but it truly means a lot. There is a lot about me that I don't think people understand. You can call me sensitive, or mean, but there is a lot behind that. A lot deals with this situation and some deals with past experiences, some from my childhood. ------> If you don't know what im talking about or haven't given me the time of day and asked me about it, and STILL criticize for it then you probably aren't a TRUE friend. <-------- So once again I want to let you know that I am truly appreciative for all of my friends who are there for me through this journey :)
Journey so far.
- Sent papers and $300.00 to Diocese of Palm Beach Catholic Charities
- One week later, was informed that my birth parents had been located and that a letter had been sent to them, to inform them of my location, and ask permission to inform me of theirs
- Right now, I am waiting for a response, praying that I recieve one soon and that they want to meet me.
The risk is that they may want nothing to do with me, denying me of knowing them. I am terrified that this will happen, but all I can do now is pray, which I do continuously.
To those who are on the same or similar journey as I am, have hope! Our day will come!
Theres a lot more that I wanted to write in this note, but decided not to because it doesnt apply to everyone, so just know that I wish that certain people would ask and talk to me about certain things before they criticize.
Getting the form notarized!
Sending the paperwork and check!
Sometimes you question who you really are and where you come from. There is a lot that you cannot understand unless you are in our shoes. Some people may not even understand that <--- statement, that is why I choose to talk more to my friends who are adoptees as well, about these issues.This is because to others, I feel they think its irrelevant or not important. I am so thankful for these people that God has brought into my life, you know who you are. Its great to be able to talk to you about this, and for you to understand!! I also want to thank the select friends who I am able to talk to this about and actually listen. You may not realize, but it truly means a lot. There is a lot about me that I don't think people understand. You can call me sensitive, or mean, but there is a lot behind that. A lot deals with this situation and some deals with past experiences, some from my childhood. ------> If you don't know what im talking about or haven't given me the time of day and asked me about it, and STILL criticize for it then you probably aren't a TRUE friend. <-------- So once again I want to let you know that I am truly appreciative for all of my friends who are there for me through this journey :)
Journey so far.
- Sent papers and $300.00 to Diocese of Palm Beach Catholic Charities
- One week later, was informed that my birth parents had been located and that a letter had been sent to them, to inform them of my location, and ask permission to inform me of theirs
- Right now, I am waiting for a response, praying that I recieve one soon and that they want to meet me.
The risk is that they may want nothing to do with me, denying me of knowing them. I am terrified that this will happen, but all I can do now is pray, which I do continuously.
To those who are on the same or similar journey as I am, have hope! Our day will come!
Theres a lot more that I wanted to write in this note, but decided not to because it doesnt apply to everyone, so just know that I wish that certain people would ask and talk to me about certain things before they criticize.
Getting the form notarized!
Sending the paperwork and check!
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